Boundaried Empathy

I’ve spent so much of my life desperately wanting to be liked.

That meant saying “yes” when my whole body was screaming “no.” It meant shrinking back from my own truth because I was afraid of what might happen if I spoke up. It meant swallowing resentment, walking around with tension in my neck and shoulders, and convincing myself I was “just being a good person.”

I thought my ability to deeply feel other people’s experiences was what made me kind.

What it actually made me was exhausted and resentful.

Empathy Has a Shadow

Empathy is beautiful. It’s what allows us to feel connected, tear up during someone else’s heartbreak, and soften toward each other as humans.

But empathy without boundaries isn’t kindness. When we habitually feel for people rather than with them, we end up:

• Saying yes out of guilt instead of generosity

• Holding other people’s discomfort inside our bodies

• Silencing ourselves to protect someone else’s feelings

• Feeling resentful, tense, or drained without knowing why

It may not show up as a boundary issue at first. I used to tell myself “I don’t want to hurt people,” or “I want to be kind.”

But the body always knows the truth.

The Body Speaks in Sensation

Here's what I eventually learned:

My body had been signaling my boundaries long before I ever learned to articulate them.

The resentment? A boundary.
The jaw clench? A boundary.
The tight chest when I said “sure, no problem”? Boundary.
The exhaustion after “holding space” for everyone else? Also a boundary.

Boundaries aren’t walls, meanness, or emotional cut-offs. They’re signals; sensations designed to guide us back to honesty.

These days, when I feel that internal constriction - like when irritation toward my husband starts bubbling up - I don’t rush to “get over it” or decide I’m overreacting.

I pause and ask: “What truth wants to be spoken here?”

A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else. It’s about staying connected to yourself while being in relationship with them. And the more I practice, the more I notice a pattern: I notice that honest conversations are actually easier now, I feel closer to the people I love, my body holds a lot less tension, and I don’t abandon myself in the name of “compassion” anymore.

Turns out: you don’t have to lose affinity to tell the truth. You just have to stop leaving yourself out of the communication.

Feel Your Boundaries Sooner

Identifying your embodied boundaries is a somatic skill that we can practice and get better at. You don’t need to “be stronger” or “care less.” You just need to notice when your body’s truth arrives and trust it enough to follow through.

You can learn the in-between space of “people-pleaser” and, what I call, “a NO waiting to happen.” You can live in “I care about you, and here’s what’s true for me.”

Next time you feel the pull to say yes when you mean no, or soften your words so someone else won’t feel uncomfortable, try asking: “Am I being kind or am I disappearing?”

Your body already knows the answer. You just have to listen when it whispers. Before it has to scream.